I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
