Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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