Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize