Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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