she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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