apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
