No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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