i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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