the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
