this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
