pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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