everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
