My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
