You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
