i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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