I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
