Someone shit on the floor
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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