She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
