I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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