I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
