I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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