i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
