i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
