When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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