Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize