My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We are all done wearing pants today
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
