If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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