So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
