Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize