He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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