I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he thought i was a dude.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
