it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We have started to decorate penises.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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