I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
