What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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