Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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