There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
