i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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