she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
