Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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