Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
