They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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