Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
