I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
