She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
