new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
