I need to stop coming to work sober
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
