You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
