Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
