peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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