He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
