dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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