either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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