i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
