Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
