just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You pole danced in your parka.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
