Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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