happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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