you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
