I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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