My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
